What makes us human? Is it our will to succeed, to strive for better things or our overwhelming sense of emotions? I recently became into a predicament with someone who, like me, has trouble expressing emotions. It has got me wondering what it to express the emotion of compassion towards another human being is. Most of what I’ve come to accept as emotions have come from a wide range of systemic activities: movies/tv, books, limited interactions with people. Which in turn created the idea on how emotions, such as compassion, love, like, dislike and so on, should be expressed.
I don’t know what draws me to another person, but it seems to be facts that I admire about a certain person more than the person’s physical appearance. Sure they may be a beautiful butterfly in some sense, but if they don’t have a mind that matches or exceeds mine I probably won’t be interested. The skills they pocess are of much greater influence than anything else in this world that can make me go “woah.” Skills are what really impress me. For me, a person who is well versed in the sciences, has a creative sense is all it takes for me to attempt to talk to someone. However, I’m too shy to even get off my fat ass and take a step in that direction. But there is more than that even when it comes to liking someone. Like I said, one must admire certain aspects, and for me that is mixing the science with art. Two completely opposite poles. Even then I’ll be extremely shy. I’ll mind my own business and venture off thinking I’m not good enough.
Such an event happened no to long ago when I was at the dining hall on Busch campus the one night. This beautiful girl sat diagonal from me, but I wasn’t about to say anything. I was too consumed with being a food whore and worrying about exams. Sure enough in this small world a friend of her’s sits beside me and was like “SATTELBERGER!” Weird, eh? That’s how I met the girl across from me. Our friend was the bridge to creating another friendship. We then hung out a few more times, when I don’t know what I felt. I mean, she was nice, very pretty. Found out she was an Engineer, with a passion for art. That passion also was a gift, a talent. Then one day while she was visiting at work she hugged me as she was leaving. That action shocked me more or less. I haven’t been hugged by anyone in ages. That hug alone made me smile even though I felt awkward inside. Hung out some more, saw her over the winter break. Hell, I even held her hand one day while walking her back to her place and she didn’t pull away. School’s a month in, and I ask her out one night at the diner in the nerdiest terms ever: Networking. She said yes. However, like me, like all emotions, she was confused. I know it’s hard to express, but she’s not sure if she felt something more than a friend for me in the end. So I guess it ended, even so there might hope there. Everything takes time. That’s probably what we both need. I’m willing to take the time. Willing to step as fast and as slow as needs be. Who knows? Hours later from this event, I’m not even sure what to think. I do feel sad because if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t be confused, she wouldn’t have been upset with herself. Just look at what I do to people. I’m not fit to express emotions with it obviously hurts and confuses people–people you ultimately begun to like more than a friend.